Well well well…here we are. Reunited and it feels soooo good. I’ve been away for a moment, working my fucking ass off and drinking myself into an oblivion. Sorry about that, but not really. I don’t have feelings. Just being honest. At least you know I’ll never lie to you. So, we’ve got that going for us when it comes to our relationship.
Once again, I’ve got a draft I’d like to share, but my recent life events have trumped that, and I’ve got some things to get off my chest. That’s why I do this. Aaron once thanked me for writing for G.S.H.C., and I was like “Dude, I do this for me, not you.” Totally selfish, I know, but hey, honesty is a good thing. I’m naturally super shy, and this is how I vent. Also, I drink. It helps me be social. Which is why I don’t work on the weekends normally. Yesterday was Saturday, and I woke up at 8:30 am and drank a grape Four Loko, eight 16oz. Colt 45′s, a 40oz. of Mickey’s, and three Busch beers. Didn’t even black out. Proud of me, aren’t you? Don’t be. I cheated. Addreall got me through the day.
So, on to why this is the Fuck Tha Police Edition… Last night, I was so drunk I would have fought a velociraptor or a T-Rex and prolly won. I don’t get in fights, but I was straight bonkers hammered. I live in the hood here in Chicago. Humbolt Park to be exact. It’s where all the Latin Kings reside, or whatever. Fucking gangs, lol! Last night, at the end of my multi-malt liquor extravaganza, I was walking home with my room mate, and got stopped by an undercover. Now, if you know me, you know I have no hair (I started going bald at 29), but I’m white, and one of my room mates is a Jewish chick from West Bloomfield. Not your typical folks here in Humbolt Park. These fucking cops harassed the shit out of us, and wanted to know “Where we were coming from”, and “Where we were going”. All of this happened literally TWO HOUSES from where we live. So, as the motherfucking PO-lice are demanding what two white folks are doing walking down the sidewalk at one in the morning, axing stooooopid questions, and NOT minding their own business, I’m flipping them off. As I got my keys out of my pocket to unlock my door to my place where I pay rent to live, the cops demanded that I stop, and wanted to search me. So, I kept going. I got through my iron gate, which blocks off the front door to my building, and turned and said “Fuck you assholes. Just because I’m white doesn’t mean I’m not allowed to live here. I’m tired and I’m going to bed.” Total racist cops. Ohhh loook! White people in the hood! They must be looking for drugs! Hey, I’m always looking for drugs, so I’ll give them that, but it wasn’t my priority at the moment. Had I been offered, I would have accepted. But I wasn’t looking. It was a bitter sweet ending to slam the door in the face of police officers and laugh drunkenly as a crawled up the stairs to the third floor of my building.
Know what else happened this week involving the cops that I need to get off my chest? Of course you don’t. Keep reading. One of the warrants I have out for my arrest is in Royal Oak. These fucking Oakland County motherfuckers are relentless, much like Misstress Barbara’s label. Hilariously enough, they’re still sending police officers and letters to my parents’ house in Michigan. I’m wanted for some bullshit that happened in ’07. Four fucking years ago. When they sentenced me to $2k in fines, 80 hours of community service, and 60 days of breathalyzers, I laughed inside, and never showed up for a single probation meeting, breathalyzer, or any of that community service bullshit. Look, I do enough for the world on my own. Nor did I give them a fucking dollar of their “fine”. Nor would I ever pass a breathalyzer in the morning. Or EVER, for that matter. Fucking idiots. They don’t know who they’re dealing with. I got an email from my poor mother the other day saying something like “Royal Oak stopped by again, and they gave me a letter. I’m mailing it to you”. My poor fucking mom. Terrible that they harass her. Good thing she’s a compassionate special-ed teacher. Sometimes I wonder how I turned out so well, and then I say to myself “Oh yeah, my mom teaches retards, that’s why”.
So I answered my mom via email about this Royal Oak shit, and my dad answered me. My mom and dad have the same email account, as they’re married and shit. And this is what my dad had to say about the whole situation. I’m just going to quote him here: “That was your mother that sent that. The cops were here last year looking for you, and they were here again yesterday. I told them I didn’t have any idea where you were. They probably sent the letter after you re-instated your driver’s license, thinking you lived here. Next time they come I’m calling the cops on the cops for fucking trespassing! Don’t these fucks have anything better to do like catch a real criminal? This is over, and total bullshit. Your loving father.”
So yeah, that’s that. Stay tuned. I’m sure Aaron or Matt will give you a podcast soon, and I’ve got some more to say about me telling a prosecutor that “If you’re planning on fucking me, I’d appreciate it if you put on some lipstick first.” Man, am I pissed about the police and their bullshit. And yes, I did say that to the prosecutor. In front of the judge. In a courtroom full of people. I’ll be back in two days with that story. Trust me. Well, don’t. Don’t trust any promises we make here at G.S.H.C. We might give you good shit, but we do it when we can. And by “when we can” I mean when we feel like it. Thank you, and fuck you.
XXOOOXOoxoXOXOXOOOXOX (those caps X’s and O’s mean I’m serious)
MikeD
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